TGIF

What a dorky thing to say "TGIF"! But seriously, Thank God Its Friday! This has been a really long week, but yippee, its over. I am going to attempt to do absolutely nothing all weekend. If I had my druthers, I would slow my heart rate to that of hibernating bears. Just enough to not die.
Anyone that knows me, knows that this is an impossible feat for me. I might as well say I am going to fly to Saturn and pick out a ring. I NEVER do nothing. I do hope to do minimal work and have maximum fun. Of course, proportionately, I have minimal funds for said maximum fun. So, what! You can have fun without money. Maybe I will go play Frisbee golf. Maybe I will go swimming somewhere. Maybe, just maybe I will do all my laundry. Oh wait, that isn't fun. It is fun to have an actual choice when looking for outfits to wear while having maximum fun, but I digress. Maybe I will post to my blog every 4 hours. Maybe I will finish my David Sedaris book. Maybe I will call all the people I love that I don't talk to nearly enough and tell them exactly how much they mean to me. Maybe I won't do any of this, but I will do something..or nothing.

Guilty Pleasure

I love Fark.com. It is one of my favorite things in the world. I literally hurry to check it out every morning. Not only does it have breaking news, before I could find it anywhere else, but it has hilarious headliines for the links. This is how it works. People submit links to Fark, they can be for news stories or interesting websites, and when they submit the ad, they choose a tag and a headline for the link. Tags can be Ironic, Sad, Breaking News, Sick, Amusing, Interesting, Scary, among others, even Florida has its own tag. There are tags for gratuitous nudity named Boobies and Weeners. The headlines people submit often make me laugh out loud. Some examples:

Scientists discover two new species of lemur in
Madagascar. Originally thought they had three, but it was just Ryan Seacrest on
vacation

Red-headed women feel less pain. Researchers also confirm
fat-bottomed women still make the rockin' world go round

Hallmark finally relieved to finally have a customer for their unique "Sorry I
accidentally stabbed you" get-well soon cards

Evading the police during a chase: Cool. Being arrested by the dogcatcher: Priceless

NASA prepares latest Mars orbiter for launch, hopes to someday return Courtney Love to her home planet.

Oliver Stone pleads no contest to being Oliver Stoned,
claims grassy knoll source of trouble

Fark is definitely my choice for my desert island website. Now I realize that you would think that if I were on a desert island and could only access one website, I would choose something that could get me rescued, but nope. I like Fark that much. So check it out. You'll laugh. And you'll thank me.

Mondays

Do Mondays ever get easier? I am exhausted and distracted. I can't even put sentences together. Usually they just flow out of my brain, almost faster than my hands can type, but today, even my words are stalled.

Some things are better than coffee

I am not a morning person. I could stay wrapped up in my comforter for hours after I wake up. It doesn't matter how much sleep I have gotten, I still want to stay in bed. By the time I get out of bed, I have to rush around the house getting ready in a haze so that I can make it to work on time. I realize this isn't the best way to start a day, but when I am curled up smacking the snooze button, my brain doesn't seem to care.

I am never late to work, well I suppose I should say I am rarely late to work. Between my mom and my friend calling me this morning, my routine was thrown off. And by thrown off, I mean five minutes. You see, I live less than two miles from my office, so I don't have the traffic equation to worry about. I can leave my house and be at work within single-digit minutes. Even so, I was five minutes late. And for someone who is never late to work, it tends to start the morning on the wrong foot.

When I arrived at my desk, my boss was sitting at my computer. Ugh. That can't be good. But it wasn't bad, she didn't even notice, or didn't care. I do love my job. My computer has been updated the most recently so mine was faster than hers and she was taking advantage of it.

I sat down at my computer to an inbox with actual emails to me, not forwarded, in it. Some were even thoughtfully written. I read them all, then started back at the top re-reading them before constructing my replies. After I replied to my emails, and tackled the inbox, I was on my way to the coffee machine to help me become more than the shell of a human I am BEFORE my coffee.

Then, the phone rang.

No news

No news is supposed to be good news. There are times when that addage doesn't really apply. Like, for instance, when you are expecting to hear from someone, and you don't. That clearly isn't good news. It either means that they are dead, in a ditch, or that it hasn't crossed their mind to give you a call. And if they haven't thought to give you a call, then you probably haven't really crossed their mind at all. And that is NEVER good news.

So, I wait. For what I am waiting, I don't know. The phone will not ring. I do not have mail. I suppose I wait to realize it.

San Marcos #1

I saw your face in another’s tonight. His smile was yours, crooked and sincere. Slightly slouched and layered never trendy but very fashionable. I miss the way you made me feel. I miss being in on a secret. Sure it was our secret, but it was you and it was me. I miss being with someone who gets it, someone who gets me, like you did. I will never know why we came together. Two people who would have never connected in any predictable story, but we did connect. You got my jokes and I understood your paranoid schizophrenia. Fair enough, I guess. Your sly smile always hid your mischief and your self-doubt, never fully disclosing which the initial intended secret was.

Here is some stuff I like

Online Dating

I am among the billions of single people in the world, and among the 8 million people on Match.com. I have gotten so many laughs from it. It is amazing what people will just come right out and say. "Married guy seeks fun..." Who answers that kind of ad? "Likes to go DOWNTOWN *wink" Ewww, gross.

I am having a hard time getting over the stigma of online dating. I still imagine chubby guys who live in their grandparents basement sorting comic books. I know thats not the case. I have friends who have tried it, some with success. One who even married a girl he met online. Of course, I should mention the entire relationship, dating and marriage didn't last a year. But hey, at least it went somewhere.

I still feel too embarassed to tell people I am doing it. I don't actually have a paid account, but my aforementioned partner-in-crime, has one, and if I see someone interesting, or if someone interesting sees me, I can have her email them and give them an email address. (No, mom, I don't use my real one that has my real name on it.) Of course it wouldn't matter if I did because the majority of the responses I have gotten were from people I actually know. Ah, the problems with living in a small city.

If I do meet someone, and do go on a date with him, and like him. What will I tell my friends? One friend tried online dating in the past and met a nice guy. They began dating and he didn't want to tell his friends they met online. They decided on saying they had met in the mall after literally bumping into one another. So that means I can't use that one.

In the next fifty years, do I want to have to tell my grandchildren that I met their granddad while online man-shopping? Not really. But what if there is a perfectly nice guy who just thought it could be funny and worth a shot to try? And he is about to stumble onto my all too uncomplicated profile with delight. Well, I guess I might have to chage the way I talk to my imaginary grandchildren in the distant future.

The Boys Say HI!

Why would a guy who broke up with someone as soon as he found out they were pregnant, start demanding to spend time with his pregnant ex-girlfriend? That's happening to my friend. Now he is saying that she owes it to him and her baby to allow him to see her. She is six months pregnant with his child. He says he wants to see his baby now, the baby that is in her. Now, let me get this straight, he didn't want to see "his baby" when she was 3 months pregnant with it. He wanted to quit school, move in with a bunch of dirty hippies, and be free. He only wants to see her now that its cute to be seen with her, before she just looked like a regular girl. No one could be impressed with his noble behavior. Now, it is her fault she is excluding him from this pregnancy. Where was he when she needed a friend to walk her home at night? She waited for him to show, like he said he would. I can just imagine her thinking, "He should be here any second". Was he excluded then? Nope, he was across the street, spending time with his friends. And he never showed. Her body is changing daily, and she is becoming more beautiful daily, but he continues to grow more and more unattractive as the pregnancy develops. He expects her to allow him to sleep in her house on the weekends, after the baby is born. He thinks they should be able to go on vacations together. This is the guy that broke her heart. This is the guy that abandoned her in her most vulnerable state. This is not a man. This is a silly little boy that will live to regret his lack of spine and selfish nature. I just pray the baby takes after her dad. And you know what, he will. *Photo credit Michael Samstag

Day two.

I was awakened by a crazy New Yorker. Why I don't know. I have known her my entire life. Literally, my ENTIRE life. Our mothers were college roommates and we grew up as best friends. She went on vacation to New York about 10 years ago and never came home. She loved it there. Now she's ready to be a little southbound, but work commitments keep her there. She is my Match.com partner in crime. We laugh about hairy backed men and guys who wear their shirts unbuttoned to their navel. And guys that say "Yummy!"after seeing a girl's picture. Eww, gross. There have got to be better guys out there.

Sean Connery is quitting the business. HE is "fed up with the Hollywood idiots". I'm pretty sure this will disappoint my Mom, and it really does me too, although starring in the snoozefest with Catherine Zeta-Jones didn't really do him justice. This might just make people love him more, if that's possible.

Now that I have this blog, it just makes me wish interesting things happened to me. They don't. They especially don't on Mondays. The highlight of my day was bickering with my friend in NYC about whether or not having a blog was dorky. The low-light of my day was bickering with an ex-boyfriend on whether or not he is an asshole. Oh the excitement.

Here is my best buddy!

This is Cash. He proudly guards his backyard from pests like neighboring kitties and vicious squirrels.

Well, this is it!

This is my little place on the Inter-web. I've been thinking about doing this for a while now. Honestly, I didn't know how easy it would be. I don't know how often I will post yet, but I guess I will just play it as it lies and see what happens.